I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
