so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
