Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
