Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
there is glitter all over my balls
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
