when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
