I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize