tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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