had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
