I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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