my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
