now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
