Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
