Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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