I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
