I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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