what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
