When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
