I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
