ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
