My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
