Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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