just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
