if you like me you must not know who I am
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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