Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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