Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
