saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
high people should be assigned attendants
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
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