dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
dude i'm inner monologue high
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Randomize