Moan for me like Helen Keller
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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