My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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