Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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