Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
