a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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