Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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