Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
