my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
