You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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