So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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