I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
