I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
