just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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