just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
