im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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