You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
