Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize