apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
