Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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