Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
