He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
