I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Two words: nipple clamps
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