It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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