Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize