no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
