So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
