I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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